Trekking or “being the president of the single ladies club”?
Today, on being a woman in a patriarchal society…
You see, I have always had an obsession with justice. From the smallest to the biggest of things. I’d describe my self as a Malcomian rather than a Martinian if I were asked. My best quote of his is:
Be peaceful, be courteous, obey the law, respect everyone; but if someone puts his hand on you, send him to the cemetery. -Malcolm X
“Someone putting his hand on you” (1) is definitely contextual. It’s about the brutality meted on black Americans by White Americans; Including selective police brutalism. “And send him to the cemetery” (2) is a call to fight back, don’t be killed unjustly as you look on.
I’ve borrowed Phrases (1) and (2) to apply in my life. So, “someone putting his hand on you” to me ranges from different forms of oppression, small and big ones. And “send him to the cemetry” is fighting back; with silence, with words, and with might as the situation demands.
In essence, the mantra is, I won’t cheat you and you won’t cheat me. I entered a keke na pep (tricycle) while in Kano city; my place of study. I wanted to shop for some groceries in Sahad stores which is located on Zoo road. When I stopped the rider, he asked where I was going. I simply said zoo road and didn’t mention the exact place because they have a habit of hiking the price if they believe you’re going somewhere “fancy”. You know, the “give me my share of the national cake” mentality. We then settled on a price. He stopped at a random location on Zoo road and asked me to drop. I told him my location isn’t there. And he asked that I entered another tricycle to reach there. Naturally, I can’t pay the full fare no more. And he insisted on having the full fare despite not dropping me at my location. Now that’s where the drama started because I won’t have none of it. He ended up accepting the slash in fare.
My friends say I would have my self stabbed one day if I don’t desist from such acts because the tricycle riders mostly have knives in their possession. I reasoned with them because, you know; who wants to have a “she died because of 50 Naira” written in their obituary ? I also took intra campus distance into consideration, So I decided to ask my parents for a car.
This demand of mine is the main reason for this write up. Someone on twitter said, you may fight patriarchy by making different life choices, but it affects you even unconsciously. It shapes your life decisions in ways that may not be obvious. I resonated with the tweet but I felt it even harder when I was met with “you may scare way a good man if you have a personal car” as a response.
Dismayed, perplexed and infuriated, I replied in shock that this shouldn’t come from my household. I said my friends and I on twitter shame the adherents of this mentality. My father laughed loudly and said; he doesn’t necessarily believe in that mentality, but the society does and it counts. So an argument ensued between us.
The man that will be intimidated by me is exactly the kind of man I do not want — CNA
My favorite author, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. Her words came to me as a defense. A car is a comfortable means of transportation. The availability of it means ease of transport. It also means I’d have one less problem to face. So imagine depriving myself of what’s affordable to me so that a man wouldn’t be intimidated?
It’s my first hand experience with how aspiration to the typical African marriage is a potential destroyer of dreams and self esteem. Form furthering your education to postgraduate level, to living in a well furnished and comfortable flat, to driving a car, to simple life choices such as usage of machinery to carry out house chores, you’re warned; “don’t do things to scare a man away”. Is there really isn’t more to life than tiptoeing around the fragile ego of men?
With consciousness comes suffering. If I hadn’t learnt to value myself as a woman, I wouldn’t even had asked because I’ll share the belief that my worth lies in what men thought of me. I apparently do not believe that, so I’m incredibly sad, not because of the car per say, but because of the reason I may not have it. To know that the devil you fight within and outside yourself daily still has stakes in how you’ll live your life.
How can you see the rot, yet live in it and against it? You’re a brave person, teacher.
I made my resolution a long time ago and it is: if I ever get married, it’d be to a person that sees me as an equal human, not an appendage or an assistance, but a person with agency, with dreams and aspirations just like him. A man that won’t shed tears of sorrow at your achievements instead of tears of joy, at the success of his life partner.
