Unlearning

Since so many women are complaining about their bad marriages, why is there still pressure on young girls to marry?

The answer that comes to mind may be; there are still good marriages, stop generalizing. But if you classify this as generalization, you’re being dishonest.

Online and offline, we have all seen sad marital stories from women that makes you wonder if the spouses even like each other. I mean do you even have love and mercy for your life partner? If the woman states her excuse for staying, it’s usually “I’m staying for my children”, “leaving my marriage is equal to being a failure”, “I can’t ruin my home”.

But a marriage where you’re being disrespected is already a failure. Do your kids want to grow up in a sad environment? I once read a story of a man saying he was happy when his parents finally separated because of their constant fighting. But you know the one that has stuck with me for months?. It’s the woman that narrated her sad and traumatic ordeal; she is in a physically and mentally abusive marriage. In fact, the husband has burgeoned two pregnancies out of her. But she said she wants to end a generational curse which is “No woman has being married for longer than five years in her family”.

Then another story about a woman with a serial cheat for a husband. She ranted and went on and on but ended the message with “Thank God I’m married. The Mrs title is what they’re holding on to. The “respectability” conferred on it by society. So much that they are willing to put their life, dignity and self worth on the line to retain it. So much for so little. I personally think it should be scrapped because it makes no sense whatsoever. Why and how is it important? If not to segregate the women they think deserve respect and those they don’t. And thinking about the root of women changing titles after marriage; a concept rooted in ownership.

Well, back to our topic. I’m certain the root cause of this is programming. Girls that have been raised to think the sole/most important point of their existence is wifehood end up as women holding on to little carcass of dignity in the name of being married. This starts from early childhood; reprimanding every mistake with “is this how you’ll behave in your husband’s house”, every action or inaction with “who’ll marry you like this” then as you mature, the “you’re getting older and your time is running out” geng.

I guess I should clarify by now that I’m not against marriage. What I’m against is suffering in silence/loudness in the name of keeping my marriage. What I love to see is happy and fulfilling marriages being enjoyed instead of endured. As a muslim, marriage is recommended and is an important part of faith but in addition is this beautiful verse from the Quran.

And there’s indeed much wisdom in signs for those who reflect. Affection, mercy and tranquility are the words.

It’s high time we unlearned that denigrating. mentality. A woman that believes her self worth and dignity lies in her being married is bound to be desperate. And when we’re desperate, we make poor choices because the sole target is the goal. Not what it entails and not life after it.

The subtle comments and questions may get to a person deeper than you ever imagined. In their bid to shut people up, they ignore the red flags and rush into it. Mostly realizing early their mistake but never accepting or waiting till it’s late.

A woman that has been raised in a healthy environment, that has self respect and self awareness instilled in her won’t settle for an otherwise meaningless title. Because she embodies self love, she knows her worth and perceives foul play however faint. She builds herself up in every aspect so she can recognize a man suitable to be a partner.❤️