Are house chores truly above male dignity?

Just as one book can change your life, one statement or a paragraph can completely change your outlook on an issue. I just finished reading Bell Hook’s “ain’t I a woman”; a book on black women and feminism. I highlighted lots of points to revisit and rethink, and one towards the ending struck me. She writes:

“Teaching women how to defend themselves against male rapists is not the same as working to change society so that men will not rape. Establishing houses for battered women does not change the psyches of the men who batter them, nor does it change the culture that promotes and condones their brutality. Attacking heterosexuality does little to strengthen the self-concept of the masses of women who desire to be with men. Denouncing housework as menial labor does not restore to the woman houseworker the pride and dignity in her labor she is stripped of by patriarchal devaluation.”

Since the day I witnessed a man laughing to the point of tears at another young man turning a pot of food, I’ve been searching for the words to explain. I was at that moment paralyzed by a temporary fear of the effect that mockery may have on the psyche of the young man. I was afraid of how he could rebel and decide to stop doing that for his family or he continuing, but with deep resentment of the assault on his “male dignity”.

The man that made the mockery unsurprisingly shares the bills with his wife. His attitude towards the young man suggests he doesn’t lift a finger to participate in the housechores. So I was left with a question which I fortunately had an answer to. The typical family model is that which the man provides and the woman takes charge of the home front. It’s not uncommon for a woman to bear the financial burden solely or jointly while still doing the housechores. If turning a pot of food was seen by him as an attack on male dignity, a chore below the male gender, why is sharing bills with his wife, providing, an expected male duty not unsettling to him?

The unfortunate answer is; Any work done mostly by men is usually exalted, celebrated and appreciated as an act of being a capable provider. He’s rewarded handsomely by staying in the good books of both men and women. A good man that fulfills his duty. Most work done by women irrespective of the importance it may contribute is seen as menial, debasing and even sometimes, irrelevant. It explains why a woman providing is accepted, though it might raise eyebrows, it’ll be because the man is seen to have lost his stance and masculinity since he isn’t providing. Hence the culture of women contributing financially behind the scenes to “protect his pride”. But a man doing chores is strongly frowned upon, needless of the circumstances, because it’s “women’s job” and women are inferior beings, so doing anything meant to be done exclusively by them must be debasing.

Few weeks back, I had a conversation with an elderly woman. It was one centered around gender roles. She narrated to me a story of a couple who are both tailors. When the mother is occupied with sewing, the father steps in to take care of the children. He washes, bathes and cleans them up to the dismay and criticism of neighbors. “How could you let a man do that?” they asked. He persisted until the day an elderly man witnessed him commiting the “abomination”. He was hence chided by him in the harshest of words. I listened to the story carefully. She smiled and expected me to add my salt to the wound of the man that was simply performing fatherly duties. I refused to bow to the pressure out of courtesy. Instead, I demanded an explanation of how a man cleaning up after his kids is wrong.

She said it’s just not done because it’s just not done. “A part of culture, our way of life”, she retorted. Years back, it was part of some culture to dump twins in the forest for they were perceived to be evil. It was part of some culture for a widow to drink the water used to bathe her husbands corpse; to prove she’s not responsible for his death.

Culture is the way people lived or live based on the information available and understanding of the human nature at a point in time. To perpetuate a harmful culture simply for the reason of it being, is a betrayal of education received and brain prowess.

In recent times, more women are becoming involved with the women’s rights movement. And house chores is a major focal point. The reason being it has always been seen by society in general as lowly work only fitting to be done by “lowly women”. So it’s not surprising if women doing it, is challenged or even resisted since the goal of the movement is to achieve social equality of both genders and to end discrimination on the basis of gender. As I quoted earlier; “Denouncing housework as menial labor does not restore to the woman houseworker the pride and dignity in her labor she is stripped of by patriarchal devaluation.”

It’s mainly lack of critical thinking that causes devaluation of house chores. Light can be best shone on its value by viewing it in monetary terms. Paid labour. Imagine the amount it would take out of the provider’s wage if each chore was outsourced; Laundry, cooking, cleaning. Education of the kids through the mother helping out with assignments and school projects. The mental support provided by the mother to the family can’t even be quantified.

This is not to say I’m gendering the chores. The immense value to the stability of a family and the energy it drains has been overlooked for far too long. Seeing it as crucial as the duty of providing monetarily is important to lift it form a place of constant devaluation by patriarchy to a place of reverence and respect for a person that chooses to contribute to his/her family in that manner.

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